Drunk on Writing

So I recently discovered Gizoogle and decided to branch beyond reading my own blog posts in gangsta talk. Here is a short biography of Robert Frost I found while Gizoogling one of his poems:

"Robert Lee Frost [1874-1963] started doin thangs up in California USA on 26th March 1874 yo. His muthafathas Lil' Willy Prescott Frost n' Isabel Vibeie, kicked it wit when they was both hittin dat shizzle as mackdaddys. Robert was tha eldest of they two children, Jeanie bein his sister.
In 1885 followin tha dirtnap of his wild lil' father, tha gang moved up in wit his stupid-ass grandfather up in Lawrence Massachusetts."

So in an effort to enrich my understanding of popular culture (or procrastinate from doing anything useful) I came upon a website known as SydLexia.com. Here one can find interesting factoids and commentaries about 80's pop culture...most notably NES games. While perusing this archive of wonderment I came upon a life-changing article revealing the truth about Super Mario 2. Here is a synopsis of what I discovered:


Super Mario 2, released in 1988, as Western civilization knows it was specifically marketed to the US and European markets. Another completely different version was sold in Japan around the same time. Why two different versions? Apparently Japan felt North American culture was not advanced enough to handle their original version of SMB2. Instead they reworked a game called Doki Doki Panic into a Mario-esque addition to the franchise. Images to prove:



(c) SydLexia.com

Shocking, I know. For more info, visit: http://www.sydlexia.com/smb2j.htm

Excerpt from Christopher Moore's essay "I Do Not Read":

And when they asked the cats to read, I read nothing, because I was I not a cat, But I listened carefully, Because it would have been cool, you know, if it turned out that cats could read. Because you could leave post-its on the couch. That said, “Hey, don’t scratch this, you furry little mook!” I could leave a note in the cat box, “Hey, don’t kick all the litter out on the floor." And then, the cats would leave me a message back. But, sadly, cats don’t read.

[...]
When I get home from this book tour, I’m going to teach my cats to read. I know, they’ll keep insisting that they don’t read. But you know how cats lie.

I know they can type. I’ve often left my office, only to return to find a cryptic message on the screen Where before there had only been the draft of my new book I just don’t know what language they’re typing. But from their behavior, It appears that they are trying to say In cat type. “I’m going to go f**k up the couch And take a nap.”

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ said:
true true. nous besoin peut-etre un phone ou msn date

Lisa said:
oui, mais mon daytime minutes n'arrette pas until 8

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ said:
est-ce tes soir minutes sont free?

Lisa said:
oui

Lisa said:
apres 8

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ said:
sweet. je vais call toi apres 8 atlantic time

Lisa said:
ok

Lisa said:
bonne nuit

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ said:
gee-night ma friend

Lisa says:
[puking msn icon]

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
thanks

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
remember the one i made that actually puked?

[[moments pass and no reply from lisa]]

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
*yes chelsy i do remember that particular emoticon you so artfully constructed from pure talent*

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
oh, thanks lisa. i appreciate your positive feedback in relation to my involvement in the creation of interesting and original emoticons

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
*no problem, friend chelsy. you're awesomeness is undeniable and must be verbalized at every possible opportunity*

Lisa says:
see, what do you need me for?

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
what DO i need you for?

Lisa says:
i'm a shitty friend anyway

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
yeah, you-by-me is a better friend than the real you

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
and this i can gather by a simple and short-lived conversation

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
S A A A A A D

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
the you-by-me replies immediately and ensure me that i am loved and respected

Lisa says:
lol

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
the real you does not

Lisa says:
well the me-by-me loves and respects you just as much as the me-by-you

Lisa says:
she's just a little slower

~ * ~ * N O I R N E S S * ~ * ~ says:
i can dig that

Chelsy: yeah, but i was "the mist"...couldn't resist. inspired silent hill
Chelsy: i=it
melanie: well i didnt read that one so maybe it is good
Chelsy: probably not lolz
melanie: LULZ is the new lol
Chelsy: omg i am totally not cool anymore
Chelsy: lulz
Chelsy: i'm going tmake an even newer lol
Chelsy: lulllzayyyy
melanie: brian uses "ZULZ"
Chelsy: mine is way more dope
Chelsy: are the kids still saying "dope"? i dont even know...
melanie: no it doesnt even look anything like it could be "lol"
Chelsy: that's funny lulllzayyy
melanie: ok enough, yours sucks

edit:

melanie: you could correct your typo to make you look less like a retard =P
Chelsy: nah, that's the reality of it...my retardedness
Chelsy: i could've fixed your typos too lulllzzzyyyaaaxxx
melanie: you forgot the part where I said " the wigger kids do"
Chelsy: i thought it best to omit that...might cause controversy amongst the wigger kids
Chelsy: is it just me, or does my lol look like something from an aphex twin song?
Chelsy: lulllllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyxxxxxxxxxx
melanie: haha it does if it was on druqz
Chelsy: i AM on druqz
melanie: i mean the album
Chelsy: oh, me too

The Night of May 20, 2006

I’m not sure how the dream started but at one point Lisa, Kim and I were secret agents trying to steal a pendant from a group of big ninja girls. We got it, and I shoved in the pocket of my sweater. It was this opalescent jewel that made us dizzy whenever we looked into it (but we never did find out what it did or why it was so important). We were running away and ended up at the playground of Grand Bay Elementary. From there we jumped into our black Volkswagon Beetle (punch buggy, no punching back). We were driving away from the crazy ninja girls and realized that someone had put a tracking device on the car. So we pulled into an underground parking garage and went into this all-male gym. We told them that our brother had just died and that he loved coming to that gym and wanted to leave his car to them. So we gave them the keys and convinced them to take it for a test drive (apparently whoever we worked for had enough money to supply us with another car). We ran through the building that we parked under, but we were still being followed…not by freaky ninja chicks, but a mysterious man (who was Ewan McGregor, so I guess he wasn’t all that mysterious). We made it to a sort of Home Hardware store and we snuck into the employees only area where there was wood laying all over the place (by the way, this entire time I had no shoes on). I found a purple pair of those foamy shoes everyone is wearing (Lisa and Kim also had shoes in their respective colours, turquoise and pink) and apparently if we wore them, no one could see or hear us. So we snuck through all the wood and found an exit. We left the building, which was located right beside the ocean. I felt compelled to approach the water and I began to wade in. Also, this entire time, I had been lugging my Hello Kitty purse and two other totes. I tried to keep them dry as I waded waist deep into the water. Lisa and Kim followed and we made it to a McDonald’s themed amusement park. You could get on the rides from the water, so we all got onto a ride that resembled the teacups of DisneyWorld (there was also a ride that was like the Tilt-a-Whirl at the exhibition but the little cars were packets of French fries). We rode the ride and got off, and Ewan was there. He had found us, so we ran again. Suddenly, I ended up at Jay Set (a clothing store I used to work at and in the dream I don’t work there anymore) to visit Isabelle (a girl I used to work with there). My former manager was there and asked if I would help her set up a display on the back wall. I got up on the ladder and started to hang up clothes. This guy comes in and apparently he’s hired by the store to set up displays, so I think I can leave, but she tells him that I will help him. I’m like, Screw you, and go to leave. But then I end up helping this customer pick out an outfit. It’s like 8:55 and the store closes at 9, so I tell her she only has time to try on two outfits. She takes her sweet time and another employee and I end up staying late. The woman tried on one horrible outfit that was turquoise fleece over a purple turtleneck. Then she tried on a knit sweater in blues, oranges and yellows that had flowers on it with peach pants. Eventually she buys the clothes and my co-worker and I go to close the store and the huge ninja girls show up again, so I start running. That’s where the dream ended. I never did find Lisa and Kim again and we never delivered the pendant.

The Night of May 4, 2006

The dream started out with Paris Hilton coming to my house as part of her Simple Life tour. She had just won a Golden Globe for her show (ha, ha, only in a dream) and was accompanied by her younger sister (?). We were walking around Grand Bay when we ran into Lisa, Kim and Morgan. We said "hi" but they kept on walking and left me there. I was sad, so Paris and I went back to my house where my Mom was preparing this huge dinner for that night. I went downstairs and found Lisa playing videogames and Kim talking on the phone. I told them they had to come up and help with supper but Kim told me to go away because she was talking to her sister. I stormed back upstairs and started tidying up the livingroom. Kim came up and I told her that if her and Lisa wanted to come over and play videogames, they were going to have to help around the house. People start showing up for supper and alot of them brought their dogs. Morgan brought her dog Sam (Sam the black lab, not Sam the beagle) and a smaller black dog named Abby (I have just realized this was the name of one of my landlord's dogs when I lived in the apartment from hell on Havelock). My Papa brought his old toy poodle Teddy (who has been dead for several years now). We were letting the dogs out before supper and Morgan's dog kept running away. Finally we sat down to eat (btw, the supper was for my graduation)...there were bbq chicken legs, salads and other yummy foods. The best part was the desserts my Papa's wife Leona brought...I can't even describe them, but they were delish. I remember one dessert though...it was a "Make your own Pie" type ordeal where you got a mini pie crust and put your own filling in it (my dreams are so inspirational :P I had a banana cream pie). After dinner it was time for the competition...apparently. We all got a sheet of paper with event options so we got to pick what events we competed in. I chose one where we had to take blankets and drape them over things in the back yard to make a tree sculpture. The last event I did, and the one I had most trouble with, was to make little sculptures out of chewing gum. At first I thought it would be easy and I made a little dolphin, but everyone else was making these elaborate sculptures, as if they were using clay. I try to do my best, but as I was working on a Hello Kitty sculpture time ran out. So I pulled from the event...I didn't even submit my dolphin. Jason Lee and the Trailer Park Boys tried to help by adding decorative food products to my dolphin, but it still looked like crap. Paris didn't compete in the game so I didn't feel bad for dropping out. I think the dream kind of trails off from there but I do remember thinking throughout the entire dream: "This is my dream, I don't want Paris Hilton here." But she was persistent.

Here are a few random things I remember that didn't fit into the dream:

- Paris' Golden Globe was this really gaudy looking necklace.
- At one point Paris was doing voice recording for a cartoon
- Paris owned a pug
- There was a sequence in which I was playing a racing game on the playstation and the system was hooked up through my surround sound...this, my friends, will someday be a reality
- My uncle Wayne was present in my dream...twice...at the same time. One had long hair and one had short hair.
- Even though I kept waking up from the dream, when I went back to sleep I returned to it. And Paris was still there.

The Night of May 3, 2006

The dream started with me getting ready to work an overnight shift at a local group home (which I actually have to do this weekend). Mom was driving me and I had to be there at 8pm. Mom asked me to French braid her hair, but I didn’t know how, so she berated me. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my stuff ready but all I can find to take is an apple and a bottle of water, so I ask Mom to stop at Subway so I can get a sub (since I didn’t have supper). She hums and haws and by the time we leave the house (in Grand Bay) it’s 7:45. At this point, once we get in the car, we’re screaming at each other…she’s telling me I’m a smart ass and I have an attitude problem (my brother is in the car at this point and wants to tell me about a jacket he bought…I’m too mad to talk to him.) Mom has to stop at the Irving to put air in her tires and just to further anger me she takes her time. I watch her walk over to a couple of guys standing by a fence and start to chat, so I get out of the car and run over to her, ready to tell her off for wasting time (it’s now 9:35). I’m embarrassed as I realize the woman I saw approach the fence is not my mother, so I run into the bog behind the Irving. Rope has been used to block off areas of the bog I’m not allowed to go into, but I do anyways. I jump across rocks and tree trunks to avoid stepping in water. Eventually I make it to a river and watch as a shark’s fin glides by. Frightened, I try to get away from the shark and back to the Irving. The shark jumps out of the water and flies into the trees, so I start running. I make it to an area of old buildings that looked like an old uptown area (the narrator in my head is telling me that these buildings are fake and any dwellers seen are really scientists…it’s a secret facility). I start opening doors and running through them until I reach the office of a scientist that freakily resembled Dr. Zimbardo (any psyc students reading this will know who he is…think prison study). I told him about the shark that flew out of the water and he told me that they managed to evolve people from sharks. He showed me a wall of pictures of people I knew who had been evolved from sharks (included here were old childhood friends and Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle, and others). He then tried to give me a book by Alexander Dumas (in real life, he’s the one who wrote The Count of Monte Cristo) called “Another Love” or something like that. I took the book and left. When I opened a door I thought would take me back to the Irving I ended up stuck on a ledge outside the building. It started to pour rain. I met up with Mom (with whom I was no longer fighting), Lisa, Melanie, Samara (the freaky girl from The Ring) and some boy-child (I’m thinking Aiden from The Ring…funny, I haven’t watched that movie in a really long time). We’re trying to stay on this ledge and make our way along the building. We find a door that says something like, “Light a flame and get food rations.” Mom lights a match and throws it through a small hole in the door. Something snaps and ignites and in the distance a package falls to the ground. We all jump off the ledge and find the package. Inside are numerous wicker baskets filled with food. Also, there’s this little creature alien thing the size of a cat (it was something I remembered from the book Zimbardo gave me). It was creepy looking, but cute, so I kept it in a basket. It kept struggling to get free, so I let it go and it chased a cat into the distance. I was sad because I thought I wouldn’t see it again, so I ate. It did come back and ate some cucumber and turkey. After we were done eating, the creature turned into a man wrapped in plastic (Plasticman, we called him after that). Together, we all tried to get back to the Irving. Instead, we ended up in an American Idol competition. For some reason, Lisa was allergic to anything relating to American Idol, so she broke out in a rash. We performed a song (except for Plasticman, since you couldn’t really hear him when he talked) and I think we did pretty well. We left the competition and made our way back into the “fake” buildings. We found a room with a table in it, and suddenly I was Plasticman (which was rather uncomfortable). Then the phone rang and woke me up.

I don't eat anything before I go to bed, so you tell me. o.O

One night not too far ago, I was laying in a half awake half asleep state during the night. I came up with a neat idea: Digital Scavenger Hunt...and it works as thus...

Each team must have a digital camera in order for this idea to function in the real world. Each team must also have a list, otherwise it would make for a crappy and disorganized scavenger hunt. Each team must take pictures of what is on cette list.

Here's the best part about coming up with ideas while half awake and half asleep: So that teams cannot cheat, they must insert an object into the shot while taking the picture. In my semi-conscious state, I decided that this object must be a popsicle stick with a happy-face sticker stuck to it.

The team to collect the most pictures win.

Now if only I can come up with an idea in my half awake half asleep position that will make me rich and famous...

I consider myself a raving cynic. I analyze sayings that most people just take at face value. For instance, I recently used the phrase, "There's no such thing as a free lunch," then proceeded to explain to Mike why this was, in fact, not true. Here is my reasoning:


If a wild cow found in a forest is killed by a wolf-raised naked man's bare hands, slaughtered with rocks, cooked over a man-made fire and served to you in the street, wouldn't it be free? Of course, it wouldn't taste that great (and it would be much easier to apply the previously discussed course of action to a chicken) but it would still, in all sense of the word, be free.


And then the man could certainly fashion a tunic from the cow's hyde.