Drunk on Writing

Excerpt from Christopher Moore's essay "I Do Not Read":

And when they asked the cats to read, I read nothing, because I was I not a cat, But I listened carefully, Because it would have been cool, you know, if it turned out that cats could read. Because you could leave post-its on the couch. That said, “Hey, don’t scratch this, you furry little mook!” I could leave a note in the cat box, “Hey, don’t kick all the litter out on the floor." And then, the cats would leave me a message back. But, sadly, cats don’t read.

[...]
When I get home from this book tour, I’m going to teach my cats to read. I know, they’ll keep insisting that they don’t read. But you know how cats lie.

I know they can type. I’ve often left my office, only to return to find a cryptic message on the screen Where before there had only been the draft of my new book I just don’t know what language they’re typing. But from their behavior, It appears that they are trying to say In cat type. “I’m going to go f**k up the couch And take a nap.”