Drunk on Writing

I found this "composition", I suppose you could call it, and wanted to post it here. It may seem dark and grim, but it came from a time when I was in a dark and grim place. I like keeping it around because when I read it I don't hear my own voice, I hear someone else's.

December 12, 2010

If I were to write a suicide note, I imagine it would sound something like this:

"Row, row, row your boat" had it right. Well, the ending at least. Life is but a dream, a series of dreams, not like chapters in a book. A book you can go back and relive; life is a series of dreams, each explicitly real and fading. Nightmarish and beautiful, but never relivable. You can't go back and no memory is as strong in the present as it was in the past. The downfall of that reality is that with a book, you can close it, put it aside and never open it again. Life is a dream you can never wake up from, only in death. The past is a faded memory that you can never shut out, and while the reality of past situations resonate only softly, the pain resides forever. And while lessons can be learned and the future reshaped, the hurt never goes away. A book is a controllable creation: conflict created, resolutions planned, a definable conclusion. Dreams are uncontrollable phenomena. I used to believe that one could control one's destiny but I've come to learn that this is not truth. Whereas I can make the necessary decisions to cease my emotional pain, they are never easy and the pain never really ends. Conclusions do not result in emotional resolution but merely the cessation of collective hurt and suffering. At whatever point the story ends, that specific experience of pain never really goes away. It subsides and is covered with new tortures or inexplicably resurfaces like an old wound. It's inescapable and haunting. While they say we create our own pain and happiness, most of it is created upon us...by others, by an unseen force, by circumstance. And how is it possible to outrun a relentless nightmare? Either we continue to run and hope for eventual happiness or we wake up. For now, I'll keep running. not away from the pain, but toward an ultimate conclusion. Toward the beautiful dream.

I hate giving in to hype and commercialism, but there is something about the new year that I can't ignore. It's the beginning of a new calendar and logically this is the appropriate time to make life changes. What better way to track personal progress than to start at the beginning of the year?

I always make resolutions, and most of the time I do not keep them. Get in shape. Eat better. Quit this, start doing that. I'm tired of making myself promises every January and never seeing them come to fruition. I decided this year that I would task myself with specific goals rather than obscure resolutions.

So far I have decided to accomplish these things:

1. Learn at least one song on the piano.
2. Complete one painting every month.
3. FINISH a novel.
4. Paint an accent wall.
5. Read 50 books.

Are these life-changing promises? Maybe not, but they are things I do want to accomplish and a year in more than enough time to do so. And who knows...maybe I'll write a best-seller, or create a beautiful piece of art or simply enjoy my apartment a little more.

look mom! i'm using vectors!

May 30, 2007, 5:08:51 PM

so i took a hiatus from writing (and by "took a hiatus" i mean i ran out of ideas ) so i thought i would take up the wonderful art of vector drawing. i don't know that i'll ever return to hand tracing on psp! using vectors not only produces a smoother image but takes so much less time to create an outline (with colour filling no less!).

my attraction to vectors did not come without a purpose. i stumbled upon cafepress.com while perusing easy ways to make money (currently i am jobless in brantford and we are running out of money f*a*s*t*). brain juices started a-flowing and i realized that if i can create a catchy group of characters i may be able to sell their image on calenders, mugs and thongs without investing a cent!

so kyu_ti_gochikku was born. so far i have seven characters who each represent a different facet of the gothic subculture. i will be posting first draft images here for comments and critiques. so please, let me know what you think and how i can improve them! also let me know what you like about them, so i can feel good about myself.  

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Look, Mom! This is back when I was very cool and didn't use capital letters!

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look mom! i've neglected my blog!

Feb 7, 2008, 10:50:16 AM

Wow, so much has happened since my last journal entry! i found a new job and have settled into ontario quite nicely. i've been home once and have had family and friends down to visit since moving here. i participated in nanowrimo, started a blog, and saw the Spice Girls live in concert (i know, it doesn't really fit in there).

i'm back to revamping my silent hill fanfic. i gave it a new name and a new direction. check it out here: [link].

work keeps me busy so there is less time for art and writing. right now i'm focusing on my writing, since it's something i can do at work during down times.

anywho, this is not a terribly interesting journal posting. check out me blog, which i try to update regularly: [link].   

2006 Wrap-Up

Dec 31, 2006, 12:31:47 PM 

Egads! I haven't posted a journal since October? Damn Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas! Why do you occur at year's end?!?!

Photomanip...ing?

Sep 10, 2006, 10:02:56 PM

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Note: Upon finding this particular post, I immediately deleted my MySpace account. Don't look for it. It's not there

Maybe if I loved myself a little bit more I would not post this on my blog. But, fuck it, if you want to judge me on shit poetry then this one is for you. Consequently, it is a poem about an old story I wrote as a child that I am currently reworking into something half-decent that really has nothing to do with the original tale.

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The Salad Days

Jul 28, 2006, 5:45:22 PM 

Recently I took a stroll,
to the past (a travel back to younger times)
into the innocence of my soul
captured in hasty prose and awkward rhymes.

And there I came upon a tale
(well, three, all dealing with the same cast)
layered like a piece of shale
spanning the distant past

They were based on a tv show
of some popularity known as Sailor Moon
but they weren't about the good guys, no,
they were about the bad guys and the goons.

They are short and kind of dumb
but they represent me in many ways,
like from where my writing talents come.
Those were the salad days.

So I've been posting a whack of pictures of a character named Danae, but I have yet to explain who she is and where she comes from. Here is a [very] brief description of a story I'm working on:

***
C.A.T.S. (Combat and Tactics Specialists)

Danae Crowe, an officer aboard the CAT5, is a highly trained combatent. She is trained to solve political mayhem, using violence if necessary. Unfrotunately, a manipulative roomate, Echo Parks, prevents Danae from accompanying Commander Kyle Dravus and his team into the warzone, causing her to remain onboard the CAT5. While suffering through an unbearable bout of onboard security, Danae stumbles upon evidence implicating Echo in a political conspiracy involving the galaxy's most tyrannical political group (the Confederacy of the Planets), led by Rebel Di'Uno. Danae spends her time onboard piecing together the puzzle. When circumstances remove her from the CAT5, Danae learns that she is more than just an investigator of the Sacrament of Chaos conspiracy...she is an intricate part of it.
***

You know, that old chestnut.

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For the record, I am deleting these off my DA as I re-port them here. I hate knowing that all these silly little thoughts are floating around various mediums in cyber space. It's probably best to just dump them all here where I can keep track of them.

I'm still trying to find an elegant and intelligent way to describe this...but I can't.

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Eraserhead...and 10 other reasons I love David Lynch

Mar 10, 2006, 6:30:09 PM

1. Lesbians

2. Crazy reptile babies that resemble embalmed cow fetuses (that's right, Lynch, Imma on to you)

3. Waiting for something to jump out...but it never does.

4. Two words: Dancing Worms

5. Two more words: Twin Peaks

6. The inspiration behind my favorite game of all time: Silent Hill

7. I can't look away from the imagery...and when I do I'm not quite sure what it real.

8. Inspired Kid N Play's stand-up do.

9. Giving me clues that may or may not have any significance to what the hell is going on.

10. He is totally fucked up.  

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I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Apr 11, 2006, 8:52:02 PM

So I handed in my last essay of my undergraduate degree yesterday. And seeing as I have no exams, I am tout fini. As of May 19 I will be Chelsy Theriault, B.A. (maj Psyc). I like the sound of that. ;3

But now I feel empty. Other than housework, there's really nothing I have to do. Work is sporadic, but that's the nature of the company I work for (I work as a human service counselor and get jobs as they come). So I guess that's why I've been doing pic after pic for my gallery.

Anywho, I just thought I'd give a life update. 

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Recently I was perusing my DeviantArt account and went back through some old journal entries. I realized something recondite about the internet and the various ways we can chronicle our inner-most thoughts almost simultaneously across varying channels...then I kind of forgot what the deeper purpose to that realization was. Instead I decided to clear out my DA journal and condense my widespread thought-scat into one pile.

So here is a collection of some old and archaic posts from DA and potentially other sources.

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[5 Things] if i could i would... 

Aug 17, 2005, 8:51:34 PM

Now that NaNoWriMo is over for the year, I find myself struggling to bide my free time. It reminds me of when I was planning my wedding over seven years ago: when it was finally over I was at a loss as to what to do. Granted, that marriage is no more (oh darn) but that feeling still resides with me. Here I am, no word goals and no writing that I feel has to be done. So what am I doing in my free time?

Writing.

It's like a bug. I've built up this momentum over 30 days and now I can't seem to slow down. I've been digging through started stories, checking word counts, and considering what the next move is. For now I am merely reading through them, adding and removing what I feel is necessary.

Another activity that is filling my time is the creation of Christmas gifts. Yay. I'm balancing on that fine line between "I hate Christmas" and "When is too soon to put up my Christmas tree?" I am known for my general dislike of this particular holiday but as soon as the calendar hits December I start to get the urges. The shopping urges. The decorating urges. The urge to listen to Christmas music in my car. I know from years past that there is no point in fighting the joy of the season but every year I attempt to.

So I thought I would bite the bullet and at least change the template of my blog to reflect the holiday season. I'm not sure exactly why I openly detest Christmas. I think it has something to do with the hustle and bustle and the stress of completing tasks by a certain date. I guess this year I feel like I'm Wrimo-ing all over again...instead of 50 000 words I have to prepare 50 000 gifts before December 25th. Thanks, NaNoWriMo, for positioning yourself in the month that perpetuates my stress for another 25 days.

I must say that Christmases since I left my husband have been wonderful. During our marriage Christmas involved countless visits to almost every single member of his family, resulting in a day full of scurrying about with zero relaxation. Now, it's simple. I wake up with my boyfriend, we do our Christmas thing, I go to my mother's (who is conveniently located one floor down in the same apartment building), my brother and his wife bring the kids over and I barely have to move a muscle. Maybe I land at someone's house for Christmas dinner, maybe I don't. Not a big deal. Even when my father lived in this province (he recently moved to Ottawa last month), we always got together on a day that was not the 25th. No rush, no hassle.

Maybe this year I'll try to chill the fuck out and enjoy the season. At least making Christmas gifts gives me something to do...and an excuse to not write. Which I can do now.

By the way, follow me on Twitter (@noirness) and watch as I tweet random shit and make attempts to communicate with celebrities. Fun!

Wow, it's been almost two years since my last post.

A quick word to the wise: If you can't think of a clever title to describe your post, use a quote. Nothing says "I can think for myself" better than using the words of others.

I've been thinking alot about my true calling in life. I'm 28 years old with an education stuck in a dead-end job that pays peanuts. Actually, I wish it did pay in peanuts. Then I'd have some food in my cupboard.

So when the chips are down and the times are tough (and they are) I always think about what it is I truly want to do with my life. I am certain I am not destined to work with Autistic children for the rest of my days. It's the best, most fulfilling job I've ever had but the logistics is that I will never get ahead financially. It's sad, because what we do everyday is more valuable than people realize. Yet I could make almost as much flipping burgers.

This is why, I think, I've turned back to writing. If I could paint a picture of my future self, she would be a successful novelist with developing aspirations to be involved in film-making. I remember 11 years ago when it came time to apply to university. I wanted to go to Toronto and enroll in film school. My parents warned that I should get a "real education" so that I could have a "real job" that paid "good money". Look at me now! I have a Bachelor of Arts with a major in Psychology and I make squat. Whoop-ee-dee.

But I digress from the true purpose of this post, nay, this blog. I have been working diligently on my writing in hopes of making that future self a reality. I've been researching the potential of self-publishing and have been typing away at one of my stories. I've also decided to reinvolve myself in this blog. Again, I'm pretty sure no one reads it but the ability to spew my feelings and difficulties is cathartic.

I've changed the blog around a bit. I got rid of the old design and used a generic one provided by the lovely people of Blogger. I enjoy designing and coding my own blogs, but I didn't feel like spending 17 years on it. Also, I removed ALOT of old posts. I figured this was a great way to start fresh.

I guess this is just a little ramble about where I've been and where I'm at now. I plan on adding more posts to the "On Writing" section as I learn what the hell it is I am really doing. And I suspect there will be more distracting posts as well as I procrastinate from the task of writing anything.